your eyes are happy

We've had lots of cute baby updates on this blog. But I will pause for a moment and write about me, his mother, and the changes others have noticed in me.

At work I've had comments such as "being a mother really agrees with you", "I've never seen you look better", "you are so relaxed and happy. is it just being tired or are you really enjoying motherhood" and one of my favorites-- "your eyes, it is in your eyes, they look happier".

Their observations got me thinking in the wee hours tonight as I held Jude and quietly rocked him until the baby tylenol kicked in for teething pain.

Lately I've realized what a heavy burden I carried for 5 years as I waited for God to answer my prayers and cries and allow me to have a baby. I would hope, as a follower of Jesus Christ, that my eyes would be happy a lot. Because honestly, for you foodies, knowing Jesus... well its like tasting that amazing new cheese, a great wine, or a yummy ice cream flavor...it just makes you happy and hits a happy spot deep down somehow. But I guess my eyes and my heart had been carrying my struggle with infertility for so long. And its finally lifted. I'm so, so grateful as I rocked Jude tonight for what a gift he is.

(by the way, if this infertility/spirituality discussion is your thing, i invite you to check out a blog post i found helpful http://www.toddawilson.com/2008/10/19/barrenness-and-bitterness/ at the bottom of it, I confess I'm the kjmil who posted a comment. if you have 5-10 minutes, check it out)

so back to Jude, he is whimpering tonight at 1 am, 1:25am, 2am. normally a quick quiet replace the pacifier works. but also 'normally' he does not wake up or only stirs once. finally at 2:20 we got up. i held jude in the rocker and greg gave him the tylenol. it comes in a dropper. which jude now seems to recognize as a helpful thing. he opened wide for it. I rocked and walked with jude until after 3 when he got sleepy again.

You would think this is 'awful' right? and in my pre-mom stages it would have been a bad thing to be up. but I loved holding the little guy and am still amazed that somehow just my presence and being in my arms can comfort another human being so deeply.