Jude turned 16 months old today. Kara had a chance to share the story publicly today of what God taught her through the 4 years of infertility it took to get him.
our little guy from June '08
The following are the notes she used to share her story in 2 church services this morning:
Our pastor, Todd asked us at the beginning of this sermon series if “we have bones of Joseph, things we carry that symbolize god’s faithfulness in times of transition.” It comes from Genesis 50 where Joseph insisted the Israelites carry his bones when God delivered them from Egypt. As Greg and I talked about this sermon series, we realized the bones we carry in our life, the symbol of god’s faithfulness, is our son Jude. This morning I want to share our story about trusting God in the 4 years of infertility it took to get him.
In the fall of 2003 Greg and I took the scary step, for us, of deciding to have kids. The same month I began having medical issues that would prevent a pregnancy. Six months later I had surgery to try and fix it, but the problem continued.
Greg and I met our infertility doctor a year and a half after we hoped to be pregnant. Spiritually I would say I was frustrated at god allowing the delay but hopeful we would soon have a child.
We learned our insurance did not cover infertility treatments which limited the treatment options we could afford.
It was a hard year. If you know me well you know I have a low tolerance for pain and hate needles, both of which are involved in the process. As this was going on my friends, co-workers, and I think every celebrity, began having babies. Baby dedications were hard to watch. Mother’s day was a challenge.
After a year of this I saw fresh evidence of God working. At Greg’s company, the administrator had compassion on us and specifically looked for health plans that would cover infertility. I also saw God using my desert experience to connect with others. At work in 2006 I read the headline that Britney Spears was expecting again… I loudly said “what the heck, Britney spears can have a second baby and I can’t have one?” That led a co-worker to quietly share with me that she too was going through infertility and hadn’t shared it at work with anyone.
I tried to remain disciplined, sometimes forcing myself to go spend time reading the bible and praying. I admit I wanted to run away from God because I felt angry that he was allowing this to happen. Sometimes all I could do was get on my knees in the living room and cry. I remember sending Greg upstairs many times so I could have a loud conversation with the lord. Its hard when you feel like God has this plan for you and he’s given you this desire, and you feel led to continue pursuing it, but it’s not happening.
Scripture too was painful to me at times. “Children are a blessing from the lord” but what about when you can’t have them? Is god judging us? It helped to read a book called “A Sacred Sorrow Reaching Out To God in the Lost Language of Lament” by Michael Card. He reminded me that Jesus was perfectly obedient and god’s plan for him involved great suffering, it wasn’t a punishment for something Jesus did.
Card writes “at the precise point when Jesus was most forsaken by god, he was being used the most by god. When he was lamenting god’s perceived absence, something was being accomplished through his life that would save the world. It is often the same for us”
We learned our insurance did not cover infertility treatments which limited the treatment options we could afford.
It was a hard year. If you know me well you know I have a low tolerance for pain and hate needles, both of which are involved in the process. As this was going on my friends, co-workers, and I think every celebrity, began having babies. Baby dedications were hard to watch. Mother’s day was a challenge.
After a year of this I saw fresh evidence of God working. At Greg’s company, the administrator had compassion on us and specifically looked for health plans that would cover infertility. I also saw God using my desert experience to connect with others. At work in 2006 I read the headline that Britney Spears was expecting again… I loudly said “what the heck, Britney spears can have a second baby and I can’t have one?” That led a co-worker to quietly share with me that she too was going through infertility and hadn’t shared it at work with anyone.
I tried to remain disciplined, sometimes forcing myself to go spend time reading the bible and praying. I admit I wanted to run away from God because I felt angry that he was allowing this to happen. Sometimes all I could do was get on my knees in the living room and cry. I remember sending Greg upstairs many times so I could have a loud conversation with the lord. Its hard when you feel like God has this plan for you and he’s given you this desire, and you feel led to continue pursuing it, but it’s not happening.
Scripture too was painful to me at times. “Children are a blessing from the lord” but what about when you can’t have them? Is god judging us? It helped to read a book called “A Sacred Sorrow Reaching Out To God in the Lost Language of Lament” by Michael Card. He reminded me that Jesus was perfectly obedient and god’s plan for him involved great suffering, it wasn’t a punishment for something Jesus did.
Card writes “at the precise point when Jesus was most forsaken by god, he was being used the most by god. When he was lamenting god’s perceived absence, something was being accomplished through his life that would save the world. It is often the same for us”
While I’m not saving the world, I see now that it was in this deep spiritual wrestling and through the tears, that God dug in deeper in my heart. I truly know that I cannot live this life without him, in a way I didn't before.
I’d like to share just a few notes from my journal at that time:
April 24, 2007 “help me to find, stumble to the path you have for me. This life is not the road I would have chosen. But you promise good for me—eternal good.
Mother’s day 2007: “for so long I thought my strength was on the outside, what people saw, how I performed, but you have lovingly, hard, broken me and forced me to grow, seek, rely on the strength you’re building in my character, by your spirit. Oh lord thank you for this journey. And yet if it could end before next year’s mother’s day you know I’d really like that.”
After 3 years of infertility treatments, the doctor said my fallopian tubes may not be open after all. That meant in vitro fertilization. We went through IVF in August 2007, 4 years after our plan to get pregnant. 10 days later I was stunned and overjoyed to learn we were pregnant.
After 3 years of infertility treatments, the doctor said my fallopian tubes may not be open after all. That meant in vitro fertilization. We went through IVF in August 2007, 4 years after our plan to get pregnant. 10 days later I was stunned and overjoyed to learn we were pregnant.
By the next mother’s day in 2008 I was almost due with a child, an answer to the silly prayer I wrote in my journal.
Jude was born in May 27, 2008-16 months ago today. His name Jude means praise. It’s nice to be out of my desert time and to celebrate his life. But I’ll never look at those who are in that place, the same.
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